I looked around and it doesn't seem to match the definition of guilt NOR shame.
I made up a lie that works this way:
1.Tell people someone I made up is "special," "unique," and a variety of other things.
2.Lock myself in a paradigm where I both know and don't know I am this person in some way to gain approval or represent my true feelings under the guise of this person expressing them.
3.When people speak of this person, I can somewhat "feel" what that person would. So if I feel like a massive loser, I lie and tell people that "X" person did something amazing so that when they talk good about them, I can somehow know it links back to me even though I won't admit it to myself.
I've been lying to myself for years and doing it so much that I sometimes hardly realize that it's untrue, or have trained myself so much that it's like it was true and I am conditioned to not admit it's false to myself. Whatever "X" person does, I can take credit, so it gives my life some meaning, even if it's not real and I won't consciously admit it or have deluded myself into accepting this.
But I've been doing this with my mother lately and I fear I can't tell her the truth about all of the lies and fake stuff I've told her about this person, and it's making me feel bad but I have no idea how to categorize this emotion. Is it just simply "bad emotional feeling?" Is it guilt and shame? I have no idea. My emotions have always been a mystery to me since I never know what I'm feeling.