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I looked around and it doesn't seem to match the definition of guilt NOR shame.

I made up a lie that works this way:

1.Tell people someone I made up is "special," "unique," and a variety of other things.

2.Lock myself in a paradigm where I both know and don't know I am this person in some way to gain approval or represent my true feelings under the guise of this person expressing them.

3.When people speak of this person, I can somewhat "feel" what that person would. So if I feel like a massive loser, I lie and tell people that "X" person did something amazing so that when they talk good about them, I can somehow know it links back to me even though I won't admit it to myself.

I've been lying to myself for years and doing it so much that I sometimes hardly realize that it's untrue, or have trained myself so much that it's like it was true and I am conditioned to not admit it's false to myself. Whatever "X" person does, I can take credit, so it gives my life some meaning, even if it's not real and I won't consciously admit it or have deluded myself into accepting this.

But I've been doing this with my mother lately and I fear I can't tell her the truth about all of the lies and fake stuff I've told her about this person, and it's making me feel bad but I have no idea how to categorize this emotion. Is it just simply "bad emotional feeling?" Is it guilt and shame? I have no idea. My emotions have always been a mystery to me since I never know what I'm feeling.

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closed as off-topic by AliceD, Christian Hummeluhr, Krysta, Josh de Leeuw, Arnon Weinberg May 1 '15 at 17:14

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "Questions about the behavior of an individual person are off-topic. If you are concerned about a potential medical issue, please seek the advice of a medical professional. For more information, see Why was my self-help question closed as off-topic?." – AliceD, Christian Hummeluhr, Krysta, Josh de Leeuw, Arnon Weinberg
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

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This sounds a little bit like a mild form of Depersonalization. From Wikipedia:

The core symptom of depersonalization disorder is the subjective experience of "unreality in one's sense of self", and as such there are no clinical signs. People who are diagnosed with depersonalization also experience an almost uncontrollable urge to question and think about the nature of reality and existence as well as other deeply philosophical questions. Individuals who experience depersonalization can feel divorced from their own personal physicality by sensing their body sensations, feelings, emotions and behaviors as not belonging to the same person or identity. Also, a recognition of self breaks down (hence the name). Depersonalization can result in very high anxiety levels, which can intensify these perceptions even further. Common descriptions: Feeling disconnected from one's physicality; feeling like one is not completely occupying the body; not feeling in control of one's speech or physical movements; and feeling detached from one's own thoughts or emotions; experiencing one's self and life from a distance; a sense of just going through the motions; feeling as though one is in a dream or movie; feeling "weird" being alive; and even out-of-body experiences.

Does the above describe your feelings?

If so, you may want to talk to a professional, play sports, and lower your overall anxiety levels.

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